I'm surprised at how often people make graves errors in manners and etiquette. Has our modern world made us neanderthals? We're back into our event season at the house and I wanted to share a few items that would seem obvious, but apparently are not.
• When you arrive at the home of your host, knock on the door or ring the doorbell before attempting to enter. I'm shocked by the number of people that vigorously shake the door trying to pry it open (it is only accessible from the outside with a key!).
• Don't take things. I was standing in the living room last night ushering the guests to the dining room when I overheard one of the guests telling her date to put the cocktail napkins (linen) into his pocket! I invited them to hand them to me and I would take care of getting them to the right place. I'm not saying that they were trying to steal the napkins, but once they go into a pocket they are gone forever. We lose between 300 and 400 linen cocktail napkins per year! I'm sure most of them were taken by mistake, but only one person in the 4 years that I have been here has made the effort to return them to us. I was shocked when I opened the envelope and found a note and 2 cocktail napkins!
• If you have a food allergy, let your host know before you are sitting at the table being served. I'm amazed at the number of people who immediately turn vegetarian when they see something that they may not like being served. When you do this, you disrupt the kitchen and the service staff. If, for some reason, you forgot to tell your host of your food allergy or strong dislike, please invite the guests at your table to begin eating. It will take a few minutes for the kitchen to prepare your special meal and the other guests at your table should not have to wait for you while their food gets cold!
• Be gracious and remember your manners. A simple "please" and "thank you" go a long way. It seems like many of our guests are amateur party-goers.They are often demanding and rude and belittling to our wait staff. I remember one girl very upset that we couldn't make her a Bacon Martini. It's not that we couldn't, it's that I wouldn't. As you know, I don't like saying "no" but this request was pretty ridiculous, especially since she couldn't tell us what was in it! I love when we entertain the Mr.'s close friends. They have more right than anyone to make themselves at home and be a little pushy, but they are exactly the opposite. They are kind, gracious and well-mannered. They know the house well, but wait to be escorted to where they are meeting the Mr. Because of the way that they behave, we bend over backward to give them what they want, we keep their preferred liquor in the house, know their food preferences and accommodate them in every way that we can. Everything we do for them is always met with sincere appreciation, every time that we do it for them!
Always remember that you are in someone's home and act as you would expect someone to act in your home. You wouldn't expect your guests to push your staff around, so don't do it to someone else's staff. You would hope that your guests would let you know ahead of time of a food allergy or strong dislike, so let your host know BEFORE coming to their party. If I don't know what to do in a situation, I'll refer to Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition (Thumb Indexed) or The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette : 50th Anniversary Edition for advice. Doing the proper thing is always in fashion!
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Just found your blog and love it. Could you back up and tell me if the lemons in the garlands were real and what were the white flowers and were they real? How do you hang things like this on such beautiful walls without damage?
ReplyDeleteLove to have you write a column on the schedule of your average day. Regarding cloth cocktail napkins, people really no clue and also not what to do with linen tiny guest towels in powder rooms. They are afraid of them and I wonder how they dry their hands. I have resorted to crumbling one and then placing it in the container I wish them to be discarded into. Have to teach along with hostessing!
Great post! Stumbled upon your blog and absolutely love it!
ReplyDeleteGreat reminders. I'm shocked that people would take cocktail napkins?! Sadly, the bacon martini does not surprise me, but it does make chuckle.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - The lemons in the garland were real. They were secured with fine gauge green floral wire. We have 5 eye hooks on each of the arches that we hang the garland from. The walls aren't damaged too often, but it happens and we repair them. About a year and a half ago, the walls were showing a lot of cracks from the house settling. I brought in our plasterer and faux painter to repair all of the crack on the main floor and the staircase going up.
ReplyDeleteI'll write a post in the future about an average day for me, a day in the life of sorts.
Funny you should mention the linen guest towels. I love linen guest towels, but you're right, guests are somehow afraid to use them. In our powder rooms, we use the linen-like cotton guest towels that you often see at nice restaurants. When I arrived to work at the house they were using cotton dinner napkins (the type that fall apart when wet!). If there are just 2 or 3 linen towels, I'll use one and hang it back up showing that it's been used. I will also make sure that there is nothing else in the bathroom to use to dry their hands (especially bath towels). If using small cotton wash cloths, I like the idea of putting a used one where the "dirtys" belong.
What would I do with one random cocktail napkin, really? I fear I show my age, but I'm worried it's only going to get worse with today's youth!
ReplyDeleteThank you for telling me about the real lemons. Please tell me what the white flowers were and were they also real? Stunning. Oh, just had my dining room plaster repairs here in the mid-west. Beauitiful work and the workers (artisans) were from Bosnia of all places.
ReplyDeleteMore curious questions: can you describe staff and their duties. I love old etiquette books and love the descriptions of staff duties. How do you deal with theft with large staffs and larger parties? Periodic inventories? Does anyone do live-in staff anymore? I have a relative who does design work for very wealthy individuals on the east coast and they rarely have live-in staff.
Anonymous -
ReplyDeleteThe white flowers were gardenias. I'm in the process of writing a lengthy post (that will be in multiple parts) about the party. Stay tuned!
I'll write a post to answer your other questions as I think many people would be interested. Thanks for reading!