No you say?

We say no all the time (especially if we’re parents!). No you can’t come in, no you can’t eat that, no you can’t have more. A babysitter once told me about a family that she worked for that did not allow her to say no to their child. Imagine walking around New York City with a 3-year old child that you couldn’t say no to! That story reminds me of something I have learned in the time that I have been an estate professional.

Wealthy people don’t believe in the word “no.” It’s often what got them to where they are! In my work, I often am asked to do seemingly impossible things and do them now. Get me a custom made bed in two weeks, reserve dinner tonight at the most exclusive restaurant in town, book me a charter flight in an hour, do a million dollar renovation in 12 weeks, and the list goes on and on. I have learned to let my clients say no, and never say it for them.

“Sir, I can get you that reservation. I will have to tip the maitre’d very well, is that okay?” or “We can certainly make the renovation happen in 12 weeks. It will require significant overtime which will make the project run 40% over the initial bid; is that okay?"

As you get to know your employers, you learn what they want and eventually you don’t need to ask them. You know that when they say they want to eat at a particular restaurant, you make it happen, whatever it takes. You will sometimes need to ask when it doesn’t make any sense to go ahead with a project that is a waste of money.

I recently had a situation where the air conditioner for the master bedroom was not working. It had recently been replaced, so it didn’t make any sense that it wasn’t working. We found that the problem was a leaking coil, which was covered under warranty. Problem was that it was going to take a month to get the necessary part. So, do I spend $15,000 on a new unit and have it done right away, or wait for the part? An easy decision for you and me, we wait! I had to ask because I wasn’t sure of the pain point of my employer. Was it worth $15,000 for them to have the air conditioner working right away, or could they wait and have it done for free. They decided to wait. You can find out what is more important to the principal, getting what they want or parting with some of their money, it’s most often getting what they want.

This mentality can also be one of the biggest challenges of the job. Your boss never expects you to say no, or that you can’t do it. Never believing in “no,” or that it can’t be done, likely played a large part in the success that the principal has achieved.

In one of my early jobs, I was the House Manager, Chef, Housekeeper, et al. The Mr. expected me to cook lunch and dinner for his family 6 days a week, clean his 11,000 square foot home (with 4 small children doing what they do!), grocery shop and run errands, manage and maintain all of the systems in the house AND tag along with every vendor that came into the house and make sure they did their job properly! Consequently I was working 12 hours a day 5 days a week and 6 to 8 hours on the 6^th day. Not a great way to have a life! After almost a year of doing my best to manage, I had to talk with them about the work situation, and we mutually decided to end the relationship. Not the outcome I was looking for! The job was a blessing because it got me into this field, but in the long run it was not a situation that I could sustain for a long period of time.

If you stop believing in “no” maybe you’ll get more of what you want in your life. It’s really hard to do, but I am getting better at it because I work at it very hard and I am around so many people that don’t believe in “no.” Can you imagine your life if you didn’t believe all of the limiting thoughts that you have? I can’t start that business because I don’t have the money, or contacts, or experience, I can’t ask that girl or guy out because I’m not good looking enough, I can’t host that party because I don’t know how to entertain. I could go on all day listing the things we limit ourselves with, but the reality is that the only thing that really limits us is our limiting thoughts. The uber-wealthy and ultra successful don’t believe in limits and that is what makes them so. They are no different than you and me, they have ups and downs, they argue with their spouses, have disagreements, and so forth. You can be the same as “them” if you don’t believe in “no” and the thoughts that limit you.

Ask the Butler!

A few months ago I asked a few friends to send me some questions that they would ask a butler. I had fun with the questions and enjoyed the exercise. I would love your questions as well. Send them to me directly at jared@jaredmiles.com. I hope you learn something and will contact me with questions that I can answer to make your life easier and more efficient!

The men's pocket square: Linen, does it need to be sent out to be professionally laundered or can this be accomplished with a regular iron? Recommendation on a fold pattern?

I like to launder and press my linen and cotton pocket squares myself. Cotton pocket squares I wash with like colors. I use hot water for my white ones, warm water for dark colors and cold water for bright colors that may have a tendency to fade (purple, red, etc.).

Linen can be washed in similar fashion, although it’s safer to use warm water, as using hot water every time that you wash your “squares” will weaken the fibers. Then dry them in the dryer and remove them while they are still damp. (You can omit this step if you will soak your squares in liquid starch). Over-drying can also compromise the integrity of the linen fibers.

At this point, it’s time to starch your square (for both linen and cotton – not silk!). I always use Sta-Flo brand liquid starch. It’s concentrated and is intended to be mixed with water to give you your desired “crispness.” For pockets squares, I recommend a ratio of one part starch to 6 parts water. Mix in any container that is suitable (and clean!) and soak you squares. Remove them and squeeze the liquid out of them and allow to dry until damp (you can dry them in the dryer until damp if you’re in a hurry).

Finally, it’s time to iron them. I always iron them into a square (fold in half, then in half again). Use a good steam iron at high heat. I like Rowenta irons, although they can be pretty expensive. Many of my housekeepers like the Black and Decker that is $29.99 at our local hardware store. Iron from the center out, making sure to pull the edges as you iron to get a crisp, straight edge.

To fold, I generally like to first fold the square into thirds (or so, making it thin enough to fit into my jacket pocket) and then fold from the bottom up an inch or two, making it just tall enough to sit an inch outside of the jacket pocket.

House Cleaning: what is the best solution for cleaning windows if you want to stay "green?"

I like to use a solution of equal parts white vinegar and hot water. It’s less toxic than ammonia and won’t discolor aluminum window frames, or react with window putty. I also use a squeegee rather than paper towels, and wipe my squeegee with a thick, absorbent cloth. You can also use just hot water with a few drops of dish soap. In that case, if streaks occur, use less soap. Both solutions can be transferred into spray bottles if desired.

When traveling with a packed bag, better to have shirts laundered on a hanger with a garment bag or should one have shirts folded?

I have for many years had all of my shirts laundered and on hangers. When I travel I pick a few shirts to take and I usually put them in a folding garment bag if I am travelling by aircraft. The problem is that I always end up touching up my shirts when I arrive at my destination. If I had the foresight to choose my shirts before I travelled, or kept some of my shirts aside for travelling, I’d have them folded at the dry cleaners. If you are going to wear the shirts with a jacket, the only part that is visible is the front of the shirt, from the navel to the neck. With folded shirts, that part is perfectly ironed! If I’m travelling by automobile, I hang the shirts in a garment bag and I wouldn’t do that differently if I had the aforementioned foresight!

What is a Butler?

I once told a young man that I was a butler. His response still makes me laugh today. He said “Oh, that’s awesome, you just sit around in a big house and wait for someone to ask you for a drink. I’d like to do that.” While that may have been the case at some point in history, it’s certainly not so today.

The profession of Butler has been around for centuries. The word butler means “a male servant or head of the household,” and comes from the Roman word “buticula” meaning bottle. After countless bacchanalian orgies, the bottle became synonymous with the person carrying it around to the average partygoer. The word evolved from Latin, through French into its current form of “butler,” but the idea has essentially remained the same: to cater to the needs and pleasures of the wealthy. (Thank you to my friend Steven M. Ferry for his research and insights in his book Butlers & Household Managers: 21^st Century Professionals.)

The butler has evolved from the era of castles with staffs of 300-400, in which the butler was in charge of the table and the wine, to times of improved technology (from refrigeration to irons, dishwashers, etc.) where smaller staffs were needed. The butler, still being a valued member of the staff, became the head of the household. Today, in the United States, the title Butler is used interchangeably with House Manager, Major Domo or Butler Administrator.

I feel that when a family is looking for a butler, they are seeking a refined and sophisticated individual who can comfortably interact with them and their guests. My employer had an English butler for a long time, so they wanted someone with the same tact and skill to interact with them and their many high level guests. The butler is essentially the intermediary between the principals and their staff, and often the houseguests.

In my case, I am charged with running the staff (of 15), overall maintenance of the residence (including managing construction projects and maintenance of all systems in the house, audio/visual, HVAC, electrical, pool, computer systems, etc.), directing and overseeing the service to the principals and their guests, and planning and managing events. This is the formal job description, but I am often called upon to do much more than these tasks. In previous positions I’ve also been the cook, housekeeper, and maintenance man, among other things!

Today’s butlers are called upon to be the one steady and consistent navigator in an ever-changing home and world. We are the person that the family has entrusted with the management of some of their most precious possessions, and, more importantly, their family and guests. We know the most intimate details of the family, but we never tell. We are trusted with the family’s money, and we don’t waste it. I am honored to have been invited into the homes of some of the wealthiest families in the world. It’s a challenge, it’s fun, and I couldn’t see myself doing anything else!