No you say?

We say no all the time (especially if we’re parents!). No you can’t come in, no you can’t eat that, no you can’t have more. A babysitter once told me about a family that she worked for that did not allow her to say no to their child. Imagine walking around New York City with a 3-year old child that you couldn’t say no to! That story reminds me of something I have learned in the time that I have been an estate professional.

Wealthy people don’t believe in the word “no.” It’s often what got them to where they are! In my work, I often am asked to do seemingly impossible things and do them now. Get me a custom made bed in two weeks, reserve dinner tonight at the most exclusive restaurant in town, book me a charter flight in an hour, do a million dollar renovation in 12 weeks, and the list goes on and on. I have learned to let my clients say no, and never say it for them.

“Sir, I can get you that reservation. I will have to tip the maitre’d very well, is that okay?” or “We can certainly make the renovation happen in 12 weeks. It will require significant overtime which will make the project run 40% over the initial bid; is that okay?"

As you get to know your employers, you learn what they want and eventually you don’t need to ask them. You know that when they say they want to eat at a particular restaurant, you make it happen, whatever it takes. You will sometimes need to ask when it doesn’t make any sense to go ahead with a project that is a waste of money.

I recently had a situation where the air conditioner for the master bedroom was not working. It had recently been replaced, so it didn’t make any sense that it wasn’t working. We found that the problem was a leaking coil, which was covered under warranty. Problem was that it was going to take a month to get the necessary part. So, do I spend $15,000 on a new unit and have it done right away, or wait for the part? An easy decision for you and me, we wait! I had to ask because I wasn’t sure of the pain point of my employer. Was it worth $15,000 for them to have the air conditioner working right away, or could they wait and have it done for free. They decided to wait. You can find out what is more important to the principal, getting what they want or parting with some of their money, it’s most often getting what they want.

This mentality can also be one of the biggest challenges of the job. Your boss never expects you to say no, or that you can’t do it. Never believing in “no,” or that it can’t be done, likely played a large part in the success that the principal has achieved.

In one of my early jobs, I was the House Manager, Chef, Housekeeper, et al. The Mr. expected me to cook lunch and dinner for his family 6 days a week, clean his 11,000 square foot home (with 4 small children doing what they do!), grocery shop and run errands, manage and maintain all of the systems in the house AND tag along with every vendor that came into the house and make sure they did their job properly! Consequently I was working 12 hours a day 5 days a week and 6 to 8 hours on the 6^th day. Not a great way to have a life! After almost a year of doing my best to manage, I had to talk with them about the work situation, and we mutually decided to end the relationship. Not the outcome I was looking for! The job was a blessing because it got me into this field, but in the long run it was not a situation that I could sustain for a long period of time.

If you stop believing in “no” maybe you’ll get more of what you want in your life. It’s really hard to do, but I am getting better at it because I work at it very hard and I am around so many people that don’t believe in “no.” Can you imagine your life if you didn’t believe all of the limiting thoughts that you have? I can’t start that business because I don’t have the money, or contacts, or experience, I can’t ask that girl or guy out because I’m not good looking enough, I can’t host that party because I don’t know how to entertain. I could go on all day listing the things we limit ourselves with, but the reality is that the only thing that really limits us is our limiting thoughts. The uber-wealthy and ultra successful don’t believe in limits and that is what makes them so. They are no different than you and me, they have ups and downs, they argue with their spouses, have disagreements, and so forth. You can be the same as “them” if you don’t believe in “no” and the thoughts that limit you.

Ask the Butler!

A few months ago I asked a few friends to send me some questions that they would ask a butler. I had fun with the questions and enjoyed the exercise. I would love your questions as well. Send them to me directly at jared@jaredmiles.com. I hope you learn something and will contact me with questions that I can answer to make your life easier and more efficient!

The men's pocket square: Linen, does it need to be sent out to be professionally laundered or can this be accomplished with a regular iron? Recommendation on a fold pattern?

I like to launder and press my linen and cotton pocket squares myself. Cotton pocket squares I wash with like colors. I use hot water for my white ones, warm water for dark colors and cold water for bright colors that may have a tendency to fade (purple, red, etc.).

Linen can be washed in similar fashion, although it’s safer to use warm water, as using hot water every time that you wash your “squares” will weaken the fibers. Then dry them in the dryer and remove them while they are still damp. (You can omit this step if you will soak your squares in liquid starch). Over-drying can also compromise the integrity of the linen fibers.

At this point, it’s time to starch your square (for both linen and cotton – not silk!). I always use Sta-Flo brand liquid starch. It’s concentrated and is intended to be mixed with water to give you your desired “crispness.” For pockets squares, I recommend a ratio of one part starch to 6 parts water. Mix in any container that is suitable (and clean!) and soak you squares. Remove them and squeeze the liquid out of them and allow to dry until damp (you can dry them in the dryer until damp if you’re in a hurry).

Finally, it’s time to iron them. I always iron them into a square (fold in half, then in half again). Use a good steam iron at high heat. I like Rowenta irons, although they can be pretty expensive. Many of my housekeepers like the Black and Decker that is $29.99 at our local hardware store. Iron from the center out, making sure to pull the edges as you iron to get a crisp, straight edge.

To fold, I generally like to first fold the square into thirds (or so, making it thin enough to fit into my jacket pocket) and then fold from the bottom up an inch or two, making it just tall enough to sit an inch outside of the jacket pocket.

House Cleaning: what is the best solution for cleaning windows if you want to stay "green?"

I like to use a solution of equal parts white vinegar and hot water. It’s less toxic than ammonia and won’t discolor aluminum window frames, or react with window putty. I also use a squeegee rather than paper towels, and wipe my squeegee with a thick, absorbent cloth. You can also use just hot water with a few drops of dish soap. In that case, if streaks occur, use less soap. Both solutions can be transferred into spray bottles if desired.

When traveling with a packed bag, better to have shirts laundered on a hanger with a garment bag or should one have shirts folded?

I have for many years had all of my shirts laundered and on hangers. When I travel I pick a few shirts to take and I usually put them in a folding garment bag if I am travelling by aircraft. The problem is that I always end up touching up my shirts when I arrive at my destination. If I had the foresight to choose my shirts before I travelled, or kept some of my shirts aside for travelling, I’d have them folded at the dry cleaners. If you are going to wear the shirts with a jacket, the only part that is visible is the front of the shirt, from the navel to the neck. With folded shirts, that part is perfectly ironed! If I’m travelling by automobile, I hang the shirts in a garment bag and I wouldn’t do that differently if I had the aforementioned foresight!

What is a Butler?

I once told a young man that I was a butler. His response still makes me laugh today. He said “Oh, that’s awesome, you just sit around in a big house and wait for someone to ask you for a drink. I’d like to do that.” While that may have been the case at some point in history, it’s certainly not so today.

The profession of Butler has been around for centuries. The word butler means “a male servant or head of the household,” and comes from the Roman word “buticula” meaning bottle. After countless bacchanalian orgies, the bottle became synonymous with the person carrying it around to the average partygoer. The word evolved from Latin, through French into its current form of “butler,” but the idea has essentially remained the same: to cater to the needs and pleasures of the wealthy. (Thank you to my friend Steven M. Ferry for his research and insights in his book Butlers & Household Managers: 21^st Century Professionals.)

The butler has evolved from the era of castles with staffs of 300-400, in which the butler was in charge of the table and the wine, to times of improved technology (from refrigeration to irons, dishwashers, etc.) where smaller staffs were needed. The butler, still being a valued member of the staff, became the head of the household. Today, in the United States, the title Butler is used interchangeably with House Manager, Major Domo or Butler Administrator.

I feel that when a family is looking for a butler, they are seeking a refined and sophisticated individual who can comfortably interact with them and their guests. My employer had an English butler for a long time, so they wanted someone with the same tact and skill to interact with them and their many high level guests. The butler is essentially the intermediary between the principals and their staff, and often the houseguests.

In my case, I am charged with running the staff (of 15), overall maintenance of the residence (including managing construction projects and maintenance of all systems in the house, audio/visual, HVAC, electrical, pool, computer systems, etc.), directing and overseeing the service to the principals and their guests, and planning and managing events. This is the formal job description, but I am often called upon to do much more than these tasks. In previous positions I’ve also been the cook, housekeeper, and maintenance man, among other things!

Today’s butlers are called upon to be the one steady and consistent navigator in an ever-changing home and world. We are the person that the family has entrusted with the management of some of their most precious possessions, and, more importantly, their family and guests. We know the most intimate details of the family, but we never tell. We are trusted with the family’s money, and we don’t waste it. I am honored to have been invited into the homes of some of the wealthiest families in the world. It’s a challenge, it’s fun, and I couldn’t see myself doing anything else!

Graciousness

Graciousness

What does it mean to be gracious? The dictionary defines gracious as “courteous, kind and pleasant or pleasantly indulgent.”

I see examples of gracious living every day, and examples of the antithesis of gracious living, as well. Money is not required to live graciously; class is.

We have recently had open displays of poor etiquette: Serena Williams’ outburst at the U.S. Open tennis tournament, Kanye West hijacking the microphone at the MTV Video Music Awards, and regular outbursts of anger (cursing, pounding clubs into the ground) by Tiger Woods on the golf course. These are all very public examples of poor etiquette and manners, but we see it every day in our lives. We have the phenomenon of road rage that has escalated from mild irritation with another driver to drivers killing other drivers for a real or perceived driving infraction. People on the bus or the train don’t offer their seats for women or the elderly.

I found this list of the Ten Characteristics of a Gracious Person and it’s right on. Here it is:

1. A gracious person is slow to take credit and quick to lavish praise

2. A gracious person never seeks to embarrass another

3. A gracious person is always thanking others

4. A gracious person doesn’t monopolize the conversation

5. A gracious person doesn’t try to play “one up-manship”

6. A gracious person pays attention to people

7. A gracious person desires to say what is appropriate

8. A gracious person looks out for the comfort of others

9. A gracious person understands that he/she is not indispensable (indispensable)

10. A gracious person constantly points out the good that he sees

When we live graciously we give a gift to the world that spreads like wildfire. Can you imagine what the world would look like if we had more people like Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Cary Grant, or Derek Jeter? By living graciously we affect everyone around us in a positive way, thereby helping us get more of what we want. In the case of personal service this means service providers that are happier, more loyal, more willing to serve, and that’s just the beginning. When you treat people with the respect they deserve and really mean it, people want to do a better job for you. It’s not about how much you’re paying someone that makes them happy (though it is important to be fair), it’s how you treat them that really counts. Their life will be positively affected, and because of this, yours will be too.

Formality

Formality

Unfortunately, formality is all but lost in today’s world. Casual Friday has become casual everyday. Even our President has shown us his casual side, appearing in an address to school children without a tie and an open collar. Now, I’m all for casual. I love wearing jeans and a polo shirt on the weekend or workout clothes going to and from yoga class. The issue here is that formality breeds respect, something that we are lacking in our me, me, me, now, now, now culture.

I’ve had the opportunity to work in many homes, all with varying levels of formality. I found that for many reasons households that are more formal tend to run more efficiently. By more formal I mean the homeowner is the boss and I am clearly an employee, not a muse, a possession, or friend. This may seem obvious but, more often than not, it isn’t.

So, how can the formality between you and those who provide you service make your life easier and more efficient? First, there needs to be a mutual level of respect. In a previous job, where I lived on the premises, my employer believed I was always available to cater to their every whim. For me, this meant when I wasn’t working I either had to be out of the house or sneaking around to try and not be seen.

In a more formal relationship, the employer understands that you work certain hours and you shouldn’t be disturbed by anything less than an emergency when you’re off. By maintaining a level of formality and respect for your nanny, housekeeper, gardener, etc, you can be rewarded with an employee that is not overworked or burned out. Your employee will be happier because the respect is flowing both ways. Most estate professionals are accustomed to showing their employers respect without expecting the same in return. Not only is it beneficial to you, as the employer, it’s the right way to treat other people. I think it’s especially important to treat those you have invited into your home to provide service with respect. An additional benefit of maintaining a formal relationship with your service providers is that it is easier to ask them to do something you wouldn’t be comfortable asking (or telling) a “friend”. For example, it’s easier to tell your employee the bathroom was not cleaned to your satisfaction than it is to tell your “friend.”

In your home it is important to maintain a level of formality to get what you want done the way that you want it done. Have respect for those who provide you a service and they will respect you and what you want in return (and not just because you’re paying them!). This goes for all of your service providers, the dry cleaner, your waiter at a restaurant, the clerk at the grocery store, to name a few. I have no problem asking for what I want and getting it in almost any circumstance. I have respect for those who are serving me.

What is luxury?

What exactly is luxury?

Almost everything that we purchase today is marketed as a luxury item. We have luxury cars, luxury luggage, luxury hotels, luxury spas, luxurious clothes, and the list goes on. Is this really the luxury we're looking for? Luxury is defined as "a pleasure out of the ordinary allowed to oneself". All of the "items" that we own are, in a material sense, luxurious. We don't really need designer jeans or t-shirts, expensive sheets or a BMW. They are luxury items.

What the wealthy have that we seek is the luxury to manage our time. To not let our possessions manage our time. How is it that a wealthy woman can have a baby and have her perfect body back in just a few short months? To start, she'll have a nanny to care for her newborn so she can rest and get back to her daily routine. She may have a chef to prepare healthy meals for her. She may also have a personal trainer to help her get into shape quickly. I'm not saying it's not possible to do it otherwise. Regular women do it often, but all of the women we see on television and on the runways get back into shape extremely quickly. It is simply because they can afford the luxury of having other people make decisions for them that they don't need to make. You don't need to make the decision of what to have for dinner if you have someone who knows your preferences cooking your meals. You are free from the thought of it all together!

Many time-consuming tasks can be managed this way. You can have someone who manages your schedule, wardrobe, housekeeping, parties, and so forth. The luxury we are really looking for is to have someone else do everything for us. Unfortunately, this is not realistic for most people. What is realistic is managing our possessions and time-consuming tasks to the point where they don't overwhelm us or take up too much of our time. We choose what we want to do and not do, either directly or indirectly. Most of us don't go to the trouble of ironing our shirts (or our spouse’s), so we send them out to the cleaners. The time it takes to wash, dry and iron our own shirts is more valuable to us than the couple of dollars it costs to have someone else do them.

I believe we should look at all of the tasks in our life this way.

How do I really want to spend my time?

What is it worth to me to have that time?

How can I get what I want and still afford my needs?

I would like to help as many people as I can organize their lives this way. My goal is to help you spend the time on what you want to do, not what you have to do. Send me an email with your most time-consuming task and I’ll help you find a solution to make your life easier!

The Good Life, Simplified

What goes on behind the gilded doors of the rich and famous? Everyone seems to want to know. Everyday no fewer that a dozen tour buses pass by the mansion where I work. Many more tourists walk by and, if the door happens to be open, try to peer inside. I even had a few ladies ring the doorbell and tell me they were wondering if they could have a look around (the answer was no!).

So what is it that everyone expects to find? What is it that these rich people have that we all want to know about? Where do they keep the gold plated Ferrari? Is the Mr. hanging around drinking scotch and smoking a cigar? The answer is that what goes on in the homes of the rich and famous is not much different than what goes on in your home. They eat there, they sleep there, they have guests over for lunch or dinner (okay, their guests are more interesting than yours!). I'll explore with you what it is specifically that makes the lives of the rich and famous interesting.

The first thing that the wealthy have that makes their life different is the luxury to choose what they do everyday. Tasks are not chosen for them (laundry, preparing meals, running errands, etc.), they choose what they want to do. This is one of the beauties of having money, the ability to hire someone to do things that you don't like or don't want to do. My career has focused on how to help my clients live the way that they want. One of the key factors is that these people have really thought about how they want to spend their time and they created the service around them to facilitate that. I contend that you don't have to be a multi-millionaire to have a better life with more time to spend on what you want to spend time doing.

This blog is about giving you, the reader, a peek into the lives of the uber-wealthy and how the insights that I share can help you live a more rewarding life. A life where you get to choose how to spend your most valuable resource, your time.